The Dumbest Customer I’ve Ever Encountered

Ever deal with someone so stupid, you wonder how they even remember to breathe? On top of that, rude and obnoxious too? Recently I’ve been dealing with just such a customer… so jaw-droppingly stupid, it amazes me how she has survived into adulthood.

Note: the names of people, places, and products in this post have been changed to protect identities, but everything is else is 100% real.

First, a little background. One of the apps I’ve developed and sell is an invoicing product that, once you install it, allows you to collect payments through PayPal or Stripe right on your own website. Easy enough, right? For purposes of this blog post, we’ll call the product BearPayments. (actually that’s not a bad name, maybe I should really use it!)

Our story begins with an email that appeared out of the blue in my “BearPayments” support inbox:

FROM: XYZ Services <layla.dumas@****.com>

I have purchased a package with you, and have had 0 contact with you all. I need someone to contact me immediately, we are in eastern standard time. [her USA-based phone number here]

I check my sales records and see nothing for either “XYZ Services” or “Layla Dumas”.   “That’s odd”, I think.  I also make a point of NOT providing phone support, ever…  There is no phone number on my wesbite for a reason.  I’m one guy who also has a day job, and I just can’t be on the phone all the time.

So I respond:

FROM: BearPayments Support

Hi Layla,

What can I help you with?

I’m not sure what this is regarding, but just so you know we don’t provide phone support, sorry.  I am based in [name of country] and unfortunately I don’t have the time or resources to be able to call all over the world.  That said, I am happy to answer any questions I can by email, or if you need support you can always open a support ticket on our website, at [link to my website], where someone (either myself or my support staff) will gladly assist you…

Regards,
Bear McBearface
Developer (and Owner) of BearPayments

FROM:  XYZ Services <layla.dumas@****.com>

Bear,

We built a new website with Godaddy and they recommend we use BearPayments for our online payment portal. I have not been able to set it up at all. I have tried following the “Getting Started” directions but have had no luck. I need step by step instructions regarding how to install and set up BearPayments. It would be much easier if you could call me and we could talk over the phone but if that is not an option email works too. Please get back to me as soon as you can.

Thanks,
Layla Dumas

At this point I’m scratching my head because the “Getting Started” documentation she referred to contains the very step by step instructions she’s asking for, including screenshots and everything.  I’m thinking to myself, how can I make this any more simple?  I decide to ask for more information:

FROM: BearPayments Support

Can you be more specific?  In other words, how far along did you get with the Getting Started guide… where in the process did you get stuck?  If I have some idea where you’re at now, then I’ll have a better idea what to suggest next…

Her reply:

Bear,

Well my first concern is that when I login to my account is says “You have not made any purchases” but I specifically remember buying the [BearPayments package] for $[amount]/month so I am confused about that. I don’t want to give credit card information again given that I am fairly certain we already purchased BearPayments. Could you look into this for me?

Thanks,
Layla Dumas

Okay, so obviously she hasn’t even downloaded the app yet, much less tried to install it.  It sounds like she hasn’t even paid for it yet… unless maybe she purchased it under a different account.  So I reply:

I’ve searched my records but I actually don’t see any purchase for you… could it be under another name or email address?  Do you remember approximately when you purchased it?  Or do you perhaps have one of the license keys?

-Bear

When someone purchases BearPayments they automatically get a purchase receipt email with their license key to the product.  All she has to do is give me either the right name, the right email address, or the license key — with any one of those I can instantly find her purchase.  Seems like a normal request, right?  But now things take a sudden turn for the worse:

FROM:  XYZ Services <layla.dumas@****.com>

[link to some domain name] through godaddy. Since it seems you can’t process my payments I would like a refund of the $[amount] unless you can fix this problem and start procesing [sic] my payments!!

Huh?

So… I don’t have any record of any purchase from this girl, and I’m supposed to refund *what* exactly?

I try to defuse the situation:

Hi Layla,

Whoa! Calm down there!  I’m trying to help you here, but I can’t do that unless you give me a little information.

You said that when you login to “my account” here on [BearPayments website], it says “You have not made any purchases”, right?  So if you did purchase something, it must be under a different account, yes?  That’s what I need you to help me find.

I’ve searched everywhere and there are no purchases under your name, Layla Dumas, or under the name “XYZ Services”.  There are no purchases under your email address (“layla.dumas@****.com”).  There’s nothing for the name “[domain name she mentioned]”.  So it must be under something else.

That’s why I’m asking if it could be under some other name or email address.  When I say “name”, I’m talking about the name on your card that you used to pay with — can you at least tell me what that is?

Bear

It gets worse:

FROM:  XYZ Services <layla.dumas@****.com>

Let’s forget that. Can you put a link on my new website that will allow my customers to come online and pay their bill? Thats all I need, this customer service of yours is so frustrating. If so, please fully explain how you will do that and how I will recieve [sic] the funds. Do you use paypal to process? How does it work. Please let me know asap, as our site is almost ready and we have to make a decision.Thanks

Let’s forget… the whole problem here which is the fact that I have no record of any purchase from her dumb ass?!

And how am I supposed to “put a link” on her website for anything? BearPayments is a standalone app you download and install yourself.  Unfortunately I don’t have a magic wand that lets me put links on random peoples websites I’ve never seen and don’t have access to, or however  she thinks this is supposed to work.

Oh, but clearly it’s “this customer service of mine” that’s so frustrating here, as opposed to the fact she can’t answer simple and reasonable questions I’m asking to try and help her?

At this point I’m done with her, so I answer in the most professional way I can manage:

Layla,

I will say again: I have no record that you purchased anything from us.  I have asked you twice for basic information to try and locate the purchase you said you have made, and you have not answered.  I can’t help you if you won’t answer these basic and necessary questions.

Moreover, I can see that we, BearPayments, are not going to be a good fit with you in the long run.  You may want to try some other invoicing product instead, like KoalaPayments [link to competing product].

If you purchased something from us as you claim, just forward me the purchase receipt email and I’ll gladly refund it.

Regards,
Bear McBearface
Developer (and Owner) of BearPayments

Ah the classic “we’re just not a good fit for each other”, which of course we all know really means “Fuck you, you crazy bitch, I want you out of my life.”

She replies with not one, but two emails in a row:

FROM:  XYZ Services <layla.dumas@****.com>

refund us our $[amount] we paid. CC ending in 1234 amex.

and

FROM:  XYZ Services <layla.dumas@****.com>

It will be under my boss’s CC, his name is [Someother Motherfucker]

Turns out that there IS a purchase from this Someother Motherfucker — under a totally different account, a totally different name, and a totally different email address from Layla’s.  1) How is anybody who’s not psychic ever supposed to have figured that one out, and 2) why couldn’t she give me this information when I asked for it 19,000 emails ago?

I’m so done with this girl so I refund Someother Motherfucker’s payment, and write what *should* be the last email to this dumbass:

Layla,

Yes, there is an account under [Someother Motherfucker – someothermotherfuckingaddress@someotherdomain].  I have processed the refund.  A $[amount] credit will appear on [his] Amex card within 5-10 days.

I will go ahead and close out both your’s and [his name’s] accounts here on [our website] so you don’t get any further emails from us.  Best of luck to you.

Regards,
Bear McBearface

Note: My “best of luck to you” was typed with much sarcasm, as we all know it really means “Go screw yourself”.

That should be the end of it, right?  Oh, but no:

FROM:  XYZ Services <layla.dumas@****.com>

Thank you. Now that we have established that, are you able to create a payment portal on our website for [our customers] to make payments?

What??

You put me through email hell with your bullshit, insulted me with “this customer service of yours is so frustrating” when you can’t even answer simple questions, until you’ve finally driven me to the point of writing you off as a customer and refunding you just to get rid of your ass…. and now you want me to install our product on your site…. the one I JUST REFUNDED YOU FOR…. for what, free?  Hello???

Oh my dear lord.

What part of “we’re not a good fit for you” and “best of luck to you” did you not understand, girl?

Last email:

FROM: BearPayments Support

No.  As I said in my last email, I’ve already refunded the payment and closed your account.  You’ll need to find someone else to help you with your payment portal.

Regards,
Bear

Unbelievable.